Here at Marmite And Mass Hysteria we feel it is time to use the blog for the first time as a weapon, rather than a tool.
The Advertiser local to our Headquaters has today published an article complaining that youths in Chester Le Street, a small town on the outskirts of Newcastle, are ruining the local angling groups' 'night time fishing expeditions' by 'gathering by a river to drink and take drugs', with 'children as young as eleven' involved! Apparently, the teenage presence makes that particular section of the angling clubs stretch of fishing water feel like a 'no go area'.
Clearly, we can see why the press, police and fishing society are so concerned. A shallow 200 yard part of a river that stretches the length of the local park and beyond where the fishermen can't go! It must severely jeapordise the fisherpeople's (we're not sexist here, unlike at The Advertiser) chances of having fun if a few students want to hang out somewhere in the town (where they might go a day without nearly being stabbed).
The Angling society also raised a particular complaint that often, the youths, who are often 'off their heads', are 'chucking bricks and bottles into the water'! Once again, we see the dire concerns of the Fisherpeople, who can see that throwing bottles and bricks into the water could seriously hurt any of the fish found in the river. In fact, the bottles and bricks could do almost as much damage to a fish as a sharp object could, such as a hook!(Editors note: Hooks are commonly found on the lines of fishing rods, used by fishermen, or as they are now known, fisherpeople). The fisherman interviewed in the advertiser goes on to say how although there have been no physical attacks, an OAP was hit by a brick last year.
Our correspondant in the area cleared this up and happily explained to us that the alleged brick incident was a the result of a faulty wall building device made by a group of young engineers who were relaxing under the bridge to escape the rain on that day. The journalist working for us was in the area as he was carrying out his own research in response to uproar from the well behaved and pleasant children who frequent the area who complained that the article both 'stereotyped and demonised them', making them out to be something they were entirely not.
Our correspondant in the area, who for reasons of national security can not be named also pointed out that many of the students he interviewed about the article had an entirely different story to tell.
One of the teenagers, know to his friends as 'Walker Crisp Rev Wig' , a frequent of the bridge, known to the people who frequent it as 'the V', explained that the children had always gone with good intentions but that over the course of the last year, the fishermen (or fisherpeople, as we were quick to remind 'Walker' ) have made the situation a lot worse.
In general, the feeling of the youths of the V is one of the truth, that we at the blog can justify to some degree. The fisherpeople areclearly trying to pin the blame on others before their fishing club goes to sleep with the fishes. As for the claims of abuse, these have been strenuously denied by the teenagers, who in their defense say that they can't ever remember saying anything bad to the fisherpeople - we don't talk to strangers - remember!
Marmite and Mass Hysteria urge you, our readers, to report any fishy business from members of the Angling society to the police, who need to know the truth, on this number: 0345-610-611-366.
Fight the cruel prejudice of the free, propoganda press and respond by spreading this more truthful article to all the V-goers who still want a good time away from the biased bothersome eyes vigilant law.
Friday 3 July 2009
Glastonbury: You've all got swine flu!
Ah Glastonbury, what a weekend, the bbc keep striving to remind us. The amazing artists, the often glorious weather, and the thousands of smiling Brits lapping up the good 'vibes'. But of course, that's just the view of the dear BBC, and the owners and promoters of glastonbury. We feel that it's only fair that here at marmite and mass hysteria, we give the world an alternative, but just as 'true' look at the way the festival went, organised into the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The Good:
Acts such as Bruce Springsteen, Status Quo, Jarvis Cocker and Tom Jones showed the audience that hits older than most of the audience themselves still dominate the world of pop music in ways that modern, electro music can not. The sheer energy and professionalism of these artists made the whole weekend amazing, and Springsteen even kept the bad weather at bay, with a tight authentic rock and roll sound that simply deflected the rain clouds to London. That's the kind of non-sensical sucking up crap that the rest of the media world said about the aged artists dotted through the festival. In reality, Bruce Springsteen and Jarvis Cocker were simply the artists with the largest reputation still capable of both sounding decent and being able to move on stage. The shows, by and large, especially from Tom Jones and Status Quo, were merely aged throwbacks to a bygone era, where the music still sounded good, but the age of the artists showed heavily on stage, with slow movement and lack of youth holding back the enthusiasm that the artists so dearly wanted to give. Seeing Tom Jones dancing like an embarrassingly drunk old uncle at a christmas party, and Status Quo looking increasingly like your dad does when he dresses up as a rockstar, was in all honesty, just a bit sad for us fans of rock and roll. Bruce Springsteen, the one man and his harmonica (and guitar, rhythm guitar,lead guitar, saxophone,drums, keyboards, piano, flute, bass, backing vocals, banjo, acoustic guitars, kitchen sink, caravan, dog, cat, Beavis, Butthead, Morecambe, Wise,Ant, Dec and the holy grail) may have put on an 'astounding' set, but cost Michael Eavis, Glastonbury's evil controller, £3000 for playing too loud after the curfew. Bruce promised he would pay the money back from his wages from the carwash he still works at in New Jersey, because he's so working class, and down to earth, remember?
The Bad:
Lily Allen, well done, you made covered Britney Spears' crap tunes and made them even crapper by adding your crap fake cockney voice to a crap beat, and at least you missed out the crap dance, but that's probably only because you shovel your body with crap food.
Blur: You're old and nobody cares now, even if your bassist is Alex James, from blur! Yet another band who just look like the worlds oldest bachelor party gone wrong.
Dizzee Rascal: It's a live music event! Live! Music! Not a karaoke! And if Michael Jackson was alive before Dizzee Rascal gave old 'wacko' the tribute, the King of pop would have topped himself after that awful tribute.
The Horrors: 'Mysterious Lighting', 'Alternative Sounds', 'Chilled out' hair, And annoying womanly fashion that appeals to the masses of pretentious, rich, snobby fashion 'outsider mainstreamers'. Wow. How cool. Pete Doherty inspires me more than this lot, and their music makes me wonder if crap indie sounds a lot better if you are, as Pete is, off your face on Heroin. And he still spends more time worrying about his tunes than his hair.
Ugly:
Ah, and now onto the subject of this year's Glastonbury. The amazing, the arty, glamourous, conceptual, showman(yes, i'm pretty sure it's show MAN) of Lady(Man) GaGa. The fantastic costumes, the lights, the amazing atmosphere and the first large act of Glastonbury. It's just an awful shame that the stupid, sleaze of a sell out forgot to sing. Instead, she was too busy writhing around on stage like a gorilla in an electric chair, or as she calls it, dancing. Although maybe that was a blessing in disguise, as every time the words 'p-p-poker face' echoed through the misguidedly cheerful crowd, a piece of the soul of music whithered and died, whilst those of us with real musical taste whispered k-k-kill her please!
The mainstream media may have hailed Glastonbury as a marvellous weekend because of the ageing rockers and average weather, but those of us who saw the virus, in the form of the elctronically generated karoke singalong tunes that decayed what otherwise was actually an okay weekend of music were just pleased to know that the majority of fans at the concert now probably have swine flu. Ah, sheer, sheer bliss.
The Good:
Acts such as Bruce Springsteen, Status Quo, Jarvis Cocker and Tom Jones showed the audience that hits older than most of the audience themselves still dominate the world of pop music in ways that modern, electro music can not. The sheer energy and professionalism of these artists made the whole weekend amazing, and Springsteen even kept the bad weather at bay, with a tight authentic rock and roll sound that simply deflected the rain clouds to London. That's the kind of non-sensical sucking up crap that the rest of the media world said about the aged artists dotted through the festival. In reality, Bruce Springsteen and Jarvis Cocker were simply the artists with the largest reputation still capable of both sounding decent and being able to move on stage. The shows, by and large, especially from Tom Jones and Status Quo, were merely aged throwbacks to a bygone era, where the music still sounded good, but the age of the artists showed heavily on stage, with slow movement and lack of youth holding back the enthusiasm that the artists so dearly wanted to give. Seeing Tom Jones dancing like an embarrassingly drunk old uncle at a christmas party, and Status Quo looking increasingly like your dad does when he dresses up as a rockstar, was in all honesty, just a bit sad for us fans of rock and roll. Bruce Springsteen, the one man and his harmonica (and guitar, rhythm guitar,lead guitar, saxophone,drums, keyboards, piano, flute, bass, backing vocals, banjo, acoustic guitars, kitchen sink, caravan, dog, cat, Beavis, Butthead, Morecambe, Wise,Ant, Dec and the holy grail) may have put on an 'astounding' set, but cost Michael Eavis, Glastonbury's evil controller, £3000 for playing too loud after the curfew. Bruce promised he would pay the money back from his wages from the carwash he still works at in New Jersey, because he's so working class, and down to earth, remember?
The Bad:
Lily Allen, well done, you made covered Britney Spears' crap tunes and made them even crapper by adding your crap fake cockney voice to a crap beat, and at least you missed out the crap dance, but that's probably only because you shovel your body with crap food.
Blur: You're old and nobody cares now, even if your bassist is Alex James, from blur! Yet another band who just look like the worlds oldest bachelor party gone wrong.
Dizzee Rascal: It's a live music event! Live! Music! Not a karaoke! And if Michael Jackson was alive before Dizzee Rascal gave old 'wacko' the tribute, the King of pop would have topped himself after that awful tribute.
The Horrors: 'Mysterious Lighting', 'Alternative Sounds', 'Chilled out' hair, And annoying womanly fashion that appeals to the masses of pretentious, rich, snobby fashion 'outsider mainstreamers'. Wow. How cool. Pete Doherty inspires me more than this lot, and their music makes me wonder if crap indie sounds a lot better if you are, as Pete is, off your face on Heroin. And he still spends more time worrying about his tunes than his hair.
Ugly:
Ah, and now onto the subject of this year's Glastonbury. The amazing, the arty, glamourous, conceptual, showman(yes, i'm pretty sure it's show MAN) of Lady(Man) GaGa. The fantastic costumes, the lights, the amazing atmosphere and the first large act of Glastonbury. It's just an awful shame that the stupid, sleaze of a sell out forgot to sing. Instead, she was too busy writhing around on stage like a gorilla in an electric chair, or as she calls it, dancing. Although maybe that was a blessing in disguise, as every time the words 'p-p-poker face' echoed through the misguidedly cheerful crowd, a piece of the soul of music whithered and died, whilst those of us with real musical taste whispered k-k-kill her please!
The mainstream media may have hailed Glastonbury as a marvellous weekend because of the ageing rockers and average weather, but those of us who saw the virus, in the form of the elctronically generated karoke singalong tunes that decayed what otherwise was actually an okay weekend of music were just pleased to know that the majority of fans at the concert now probably have swine flu. Ah, sheer, sheer bliss.
Friday 26 June 2009
Michael Jackson: Don't leave us with him. Please.
The 'King of Pop' has gone. Sad isn't it? No, it honestly is, think about the different local and global implications. Globally, we'll never know whether his dubious child friendliness was merely that, or as the tabloids, and more famously, the blues brothers referred to as 'messing with the kid'.
Locally, there's only going to be one person who's over friendly to year 7's that we're ever going to talk about, and he doesn't have quite the celebrity status of old 'wacko', although they do find that contact with below year 8 is a 'thriller'. The king of pop may be dead, but the priest of purgatory is still alive and kicking, patrolling our corridors with a valium smile and access to all of the cameras. Yes, all of them. Bad news then, for the semi rotund, semi registered semi resident, who, now that Michael Jackson is gone, has one less person to blame for the 'secret photo's' on his laptop, that you must never touch, or he will kill you: or offer you to feature in the 'special' photo album, if you're partial to shopping in Claire's Accessories.
Nowadays, the 'smooth' headed 'criminal' is going to have to work solo.
Friday 12 June 2009
Guide To Technology Integration In Teaching For Dummies.
Following a recent incident involving a DVD player, sellotape, and everyones favourite larger than life god botherer, a manditory guide to safe use of technology whilst teaching has been circulated.
Article 1. At no point during the lesson should any piece of technology, no matter how un responsive be dropped from waist height onto a desk.
2. Telling yourself your not in hurry to speed up your broadband connection is not a valid use of oxygen.
3. Your memory pen DOES NOT have a virus, none of them did ever, honest guvnor.
4. Insulting those their to help your technological difficulties will only result in your ethernet lan being T3h Ub3r H4x0r3d.
5. Sellotape may be stronger than a prayer, in the same way the blog is mighter than the sword, but this doesnt mean you can slyly use it to repair your broken dvd player, during the lesson.
6. If over 65 you should not be teaching anywhere near a computer, please, your students have other things to do that tell you how to read your emails.
Article 1. At no point during the lesson should any piece of technology, no matter how un responsive be dropped from waist height onto a desk.
2. Telling yourself your not in hurry to speed up your broadband connection is not a valid use of oxygen.
3. Your memory pen DOES NOT have a virus, none of them did ever, honest guvnor.
4. Insulting those their to help your technological difficulties will only result in your ethernet lan being T3h Ub3r H4x0r3d.
5. Sellotape may be stronger than a prayer, in the same way the blog is mighter than the sword, but this doesnt mean you can slyly use it to repair your broken dvd player, during the lesson.
6. If over 65 you should not be teaching anywhere near a computer, please, your students have other things to do that tell you how to read your emails.
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